Red Flags – Worry
and Guilt
By Sandra V. Abell, MS LPC
Last week I was talking with a client named Jim, who was
telling me that he was worried about the status of a proposal he’d
submitted for a big job. He said he was so distracted with worry
that he’d been neglecting the other things he needed to do
to keep his business running, and he was feeling guilty about that.
I asked him if worrying and feeling guilty would impact
whether he won the contract. Of course he answered “No.” I then
asked him what he was getting out of all that worry and guilt he
said “a lot of stress, anxiety and sleepless nights.”
So now I’m confused. He’s choosing to spend his time
and energy engaging in two activities (worrying and feeling guilty)
that do not positively affect anything, and that only bring him stress,
anxiety and insomnia. What’s up with that?
Learned Behaviors
After some discussion Jim realized that he had learned to generate these two
emotions for himself when he was very young. He lived in a home where his
parents always worried about the future, and used guilt to control their
children and make them behave. Therefore he learned to create these emotions
when confronted with certain types of situations.
He can now see that these learned behaviors accomplish
nothing positive, and actually drain his energy and distract his
brain so
he can’t focus on the things he wants to do. He also realizes
that he has the power to decide to not take on these feelings.
The Purpose of Guilt
Many people are confused about guilt. It has a purpose, but it’s NOT
to make you suffer. Guilt is like a red flag that pops up when you have done
something that violates your values, or the values of those who raised you.
The ‘guilt flag’ pops up to get your attention and let
you know that you have done something that doesn't feel comfortable
for you and your current value system, that you feel is ‘wrong’.
Its purpose is to remind you to look at and learn from your thoughts
or behavior.
Guilt may be self-imposed, or come from other people who
try to ‘make
you feel guilty’ in order to control you and influence you
to do what they want. As with Jim when he was a child, his parents ‘made
him feel guilty’ whenever he acted out or did something they
didn’t like. The nice thing is that once you are an adult you
can choose to ‘pick up’ the guilt that others lay in
front of you, or you can ignore it and choose to not take it on when
it doesn’t fit.
What To Do
Whether it comes from your inner voice or from another person,
guilt is NOT an emotion that you need to hold on to. Once you’ve
noticed that the red flag of guilt has popped up in your world,
your job is to:
Figure out what value you are violating
Take whatever action you choose to deal with the situation
Mentally PUT DOWN THE FLAG!!!
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