Dear Master Life Coach,

I am 28 and date often, but have never been in a serious relationship. No matter who I date, I always find a pet peeve – like he stands too close when he talks, has bad teeth, hair is outdated, his finger nails are too long, etc. Then I can’t stop thinking about it! I know these are trivial issues or habits that can be changed. Believe me, I’m not perfect either! Why do I notice these things? Am I looking for faults intentionally? Am I commitment-phobic?

Katie S.
Sonoma, CA

Dear Katie,
Congratulations on having such great self-awareness that the issue isn’t that each guy you meet has irredeemable flaws. Instead, your catch-22 is that you historically work hard to find reasons that he isn’t worthy of having a relationship with you. Be patient– noticing flaws is a habit that will take time to break!

On your dates, stop and notice what you’re doing when are finding imperfections in him. Redirect your thoughts away from the flaw. Think of something else. What do you like? This takes effort, but so does focusing on flaws. The difference is, your old habit is causing you pain, while your new habit might bring you a loving relationship.

Dear Master Life Coach,

I think being in love has made me fat! When I was single I lost weight and quit smoking. Even though I was lonely, my house was clean and I had tons of energy. I am now engaged, have gained 30 lbs, started smoking, and my house is messy. I’ve got a great job but I sit all day and don’t have time to exercise. How can life balance back?

John A.
Jacksonville, FL

Dear John,
Your life before your relationship does sound fantastic. Today you have a job that you enjoy, as well as happiness with your finance. It sounds like you don’t think you currently “have it all” however.

To reclaim life balance, take small consistent steps. Have one courageous goal each week and write it in a journal. When each goal is done, take a step forward to the next goal. Be patient and know it can’t happen all at once.

Each day remind yourself you don’t have to sacrifice anything (like health, house, or work) to have a meaningful life. Use your own personal mantra, like “It’s fine for me to have it all”, or “I deserve health, affection, and meaningful work”. Choose words that assist you in knowing it’s ok to have a fulfilling and balanced life.

Dear Master Life Coach,

I am great at starting and working on goals, but I never finish them! Near the end I get uninterested, bored and give up. I think I fear if I did put “my all” into it, I will find I am not good enough. I currently have an unfinished degree that is hanging over my head to finish. How can I get past my fear of failing?

Scott W.
New York, NY

Dear Scott,
It sounds like you’re clear on what’s going wrong. It’s now time to forgive and know that beating yourself won’t get you anywhere, and can make a situation worst.
Try a new hobby with the sole purpose to intentionally practice making mistakes. Start making mistakes on little things that don’t really matter. That way, when you do make a mistake on something that does matter, you won’t be so hard on yourself.
Tell friends you’re in the process of “getting over the fear of failure”. Ask them to check in with you near the end with, “How are you? What are you feeling? What are you afraid of?” You’re friends with help you complete your goal. Once you start finishing a goal, the next goal is easier. Finishing will become a fun habit.

If you have a question for the Master Life Coach, please submit it to Question@LifeCoachNews.com